Another month...

Well, here we are....December! I cannot believe how fast this year has gone! You know, I never believed my grandpa when he said the older you got, the faster the time went by. Man, was he ever right!!! As another year FLYS by, I find myself changing. I came across a moving quote a few days after I found out the IUI treatment didn't work and it couldn't have come at a better time. The quote was, 'Let your hopes, not your hurt determine your future.' At that time, I was so wrapped up in my world of being heartbroken, yet again, I wasn't focusing on the big picture. I have hopes of one day being a mom. I may never experience the wonder and joy of being pregnant, but today, I've finally accepted that! I believe that people come into your life for a reason and each person has a purpose. I don't know what God is trying to tell me and I'm trying so hard to be patient and listen to Him. In the past month, I've been introduced through work to several different women who have adopted children. I'm not saying that Jacob and I are going to immediately put our names on the list or that it's our next step or that I believe that's what God is telling us to do. And quite honestly, it's something that we're looking at a little differently right now. Jacob is looking at the money and I'm just looking at the emotional aspect of it....it's a child! Something my heart has been aching for for 4 and a half years. However, it is a financially exhausting (at least for us) step and I need to set aside my emotions and think rationally. Maybe it's something we can do a couple years down the road, maybe it's not. This topic has just consumed me and I'm exhausted!! If there was a way I could get away from it, I would! But everyday, I'm reminded that I haven't fulfilled all my hopes just yet. I have SO many things to be thankful for and am grateful for everyday I have and I sometimes feel selfish because there are so many people in the world that would be grateful for half of what we have. BUT I still have a hole in my heart. So, from this day forward, I've decided that I'm not going to let my hurt control me. I know there will be days when I'm sad and I just need to cry (today being one of them :) ). BUT I'm keeping my hopes alive. At this point, I don't care how Jacob and I become parents. None of that matters anymore. I'm just holding onto my hopes that it will one day happen. God bless you all and thank you for all the love you give me!

Happy Turkey Day!!

Just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving!! My you all have time to spend with your loved ones....and eat LOTS AND LOTS of food!! I know I'm going to enjoy all the food I can....because Monday officially starts the training for half marathon number 4. No more being lazy in the mornings!! I'm excited Jacob and I decided to participate again this year. It will give us something to work for and look forward to. We always love it and are so glad we did it once we're finished....the events leading up to it, not so much! But once we're done, we're always glad we did it. They're not sold out yet so if anyone wants to join us...the website is http://www.500festival.com/ . It really is a great time and so uplifting to see 35,000 people join together and participate in this great event! It's also amazing with all the people cheering you on along the way. It's quite an amazing experience! Okay...anyway, have a wonderful time with your families and drive safely!

Update

I realize it's been a while since I've posted anything so I just wanted to let everyone in on what's going on. I just needed some time to get over the disappointment and get away from things. First and foremost, I just have to say how blessed I am. It's rough times like these when you really lean on people and faith to give you strength....and I have pillars!! Thank you for the emails, texts, flowers (they were beautiful, Erin!), and things to help me smile through the rain (You're the sweetest thing, Kas!). This was a very disappointing time in our lives and you all made us feel a little better. It may sound weird to someone who's never had infertility issues, but every month, we're mourning the loss of a child. It's just devastating. Right now, we've taken a break from the doctor. Mostly because we can't afford to do another treatment right now. I did have some FSH injections left and they only last for 3 months. So, rather than waste $500 worth of drugs, we didn't see the harm in taking the last 300IU (I'd been taking 500IU). I still have some ovulation predictor tests left (I should have purchased stock in First Response with the amount of money I've spent on those predictor kits!) so we're gonna give it the college try again! Sorry...I know that's way too much information. We're just trying to listen to God and see what He wants us to do next. We've been talking about adoption, but there's another extremely expensive process. And I don't know if I'm ready to give up on the idea of having our own child. I know there are thousands of children that are in desperate need of loving homes, but the amount of money we would spend on adoption we could have done the most expensive infertility treatment......3 times!!! I'm just going to have to practice more patience and keep my thoughts quite so I can hear what God wants us to do. The hardest part is not having any control over the situation. You think that you have control over your life and what happens to you (you know the quote: 'You are in control of your own destiny'), but I've learned over the past 4 years that your plan quickly becomes someone Else's! You can want something so bad your heart aches, but that's not going to make it happen. So, thank you for all the prayers and positive thoughts, please keep thinking of us as we continue this journey. Love you all!!

News

I have disappointing news to share with you all. Jacob and I were unsuccessful in fulfilling our dreams of starting our family with this round of treatment. Today has been a really hard day to get through and I have been trying to keep myself busy so I wouldn't have to sit down and think about all our hopes and dreams crashing down. But with typing this blog, it's bringing everything I was trying to hide today to the surface. Thank you all for the thoughts and prayers this past month. I really do have the best friends and family I could ask for. I just want to let you know that if I don't return phone calls or emails, it's not that I don't care or appreciate it....I'm just going to have to find my internal strength within the next couple days to bring myself to normal functioning. I was trying SO hard not to get my hopes up, but it was hard not to. This is the closest we've gotten in the past 4 years and I was getting a little too excited about the 26% success rate. I don't know if Jacob and I will be able to do another round of treatment. This was a pretty financially taxing experience and we only had enough to do one month. Maybe sometime in the future we'll be able to try it again. I was really hoping to turn this into a pregnancy blog, but looks like the timing just wasn't right for us. I know I just have to keep faith that all of this is happening for a reason and to keep a positive attitude about things....some days are easier to do that than others...and today is a hard day.

Hurry up and wait some more

Well, I told you all I'd be back with the results from my last doctor's visit. They did some more blood work to see what my progesterone levels were...I just got off the phone with the nurse and she said they were above 20 (they wanted them above 12-15). They also did another ultrasound to check my ovaries to make sure they were enlarged (they had a certain dimension they wanted them, but I can't remember what it was....but they were above whatever it was!!). Everything was going so well that I didn't have to have the booster of the hCG shot (thank goodness, I don't think my tush could take another one!!). Now it's just a waiting game. I truly truly truly have to thank each and everyone of you for all your support. This was a tough decision for Jacob and me to make, but I have to say, no matter what the outcome, it was worth it. I'm glad I could share this experience with my closest friends and family members. I know that if this doesn't work for us, you ALL have given us the strength to accept the cards we've been dealt. I'm not going to lie, it'll be hard, very hard on us if this doesn't end well....but knowing we have the support of great friends and family will help us through it. Thank you all for being there for us, no matter the capacity. I guess I'll just try to keep myself busy for the next week so I don't CONSTANTLY think about what could be!!! I'll be in touch!

Phase 4 complete

Well, we've just finished the second round of IUI. I go back in Wednesday for an ultrasound and a hCG booster shot. This is it!! We gave it a shot. If this doesn't work, we can atleast say we've tried. I just want to thank EVERYONE for the positive thoughts and prayers. This has been an amazing experience and you all have given us strength to get through whatever comes out of this. We just have to hurry up and wait for the outcome now. Thank you all again for being there for us. You all mean so much to us and we're glad we could share this experience with you....even if you might not have wanted to hear all of it! :)

And the rusults are in....

I had my 2nd ultrasound (well, 3rd total...2nd for this month) and the nurse said that everything looked 'beautiful'. She said that I healed nicely from the surgery and that I had 2 follicles ready to release eggs (which I was told was good). They gave me my hCG injection (thank goodness! Jake and I were wondering how in the world we were going to do that one...it's a MUCH bigger needle!!) which triggers ovulation and I go back in tomorrow morning at 9:45 to undergo the IUI. I am actually having 2 rounds of IUI, one tomorrow (Thursday) morning and the other on Friday morning. Studies have found that this can increase the success rate by as much as 6%....which doesn't sound like much, but when the success rate is only 24-26% to begin with...I'll take whatever extra help I can get! I'm sure this sounds totally confusing and after spending the day with my cousin (what's up, S), I'm finding how abnormal it is for me to know all of the stuff I do!! It is almost a blessing in disguise because through this whole process, no matter how frustrating, I've learned more that I ever thought I would!! It amazes me that people are actually able to get pregnant naturally because there are a million different things that have to happen in order for it take place! It truly is miraculous! So, that's all I have for now. I'm off to go ice my buttock....that deep tissue shot was a little more painful than I anticipated!!

Dr appointment tomorrow

Things have been going pretty well with the FSH injections. I still haven't been able to do them, so Jacob's been brave enough to do it! The only real side effect that I'm having is restlessness and headaches. Which in the long run, really isn't all that bad. I go back to the dr. tomorrow to have another ultrasound and blood work done. I'll be sure to post what the outcome of the appointment was. I just wanted to give everyone a brief overview of how things have been. Until next time!!

1st shot down...atleast 6 more to go!!

I had my ultrasound yesterday and was given the go-ahead on the FSH shots (follicle-stimulating hormone)!! So, I watched the video, looked at my notes, prepared the Follistim Pen (the device that I administer the shots with), and then attempted to do it about 5 times!! Needles are not my most favorite thing and having to give myself a shot was a step that I don't think I was 100% prepared for. I was sitting on the couch and Jacob was coaching me through it, giving me advice, reminding me why I had to do it...and I just chickened out! Staring down at that needle that I had to stab into my abdomen was freaking me out!! I told Jacob that I didn't think I could do it, could he? He looked at me, appeared brave, then sort of freaked out a bit!! So, we decided that we'd do it together. I could tell he was nervous because he poked me so hard with that needle!!! It still hurts a little this morning! BUT, the first shot is down! Now I know what to expect and it will be easier tonight....I hope! I continue to administer shots until Wednesday, October 24th and then I go back in for another ultrasound. That's where they're going to look at my eggs and see if they're mature. If they are, then they schedule a time for the actual insemination to take place. If they aren't, then I administer the shots for a couple more days then go back in for another ultrasound. It's getting exciting, people! Stick around and enjoy the ride...let's hope and pray for an amazing ending to this roller-coaster.

Nervous

It's been a long road with many peaks and valleys...but I'm hoping that someday very soon, Jake and I will be parents! For those of you that don't know, Jacob and I have been seeing a fertility specialist in Carmel for the past couple months. They have run several tests and have decided that we would be good candidates for a treatment called IUI, or intrauterine insemination. Last month I went in for an ultrasound on September 20th to check my uterus and ovaries to make sure I didn't have any cysts or anything that would prevent the IUI from being as successful as possible. Immediately, they found a polyp in my uterus that needed to be removed. I had surgery on Monday, September 24th and everything seemed to go as planned. He said that once he got in there, he found some other tissue that looked problematic so he removed that as well. Originally, when I found out I would have to have surgery, I was thinking, "Great, what else can go wrong?", but now I'm almost relieved that they found something. Up until this point, we've had no answer. Nothing that would suggest why we've been having such a hard time starting our family. This has finally given me some answers and I'm just trying to keep a positive attitude that we will have a little one bless this house in the very near future. I have to go back in this Thursday, October 18th for another ultrasound and if things look normal, I get to start my FSH injections!! I've never been so excited about a shot before! I'll keep you posted!